


I Shudder When I Think I Might Not Be Here Forever

by dr_ducktator



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-24 04:52:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/259216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_ducktator/pseuds/dr_ducktator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not necessarily a stand-alone, but I hope it works as one. This is an interlude I wrote to accompany the most amazing NUKE story ever (it's totes canon as far as I'm concerned) "Somebody That I Used to Know" by wishtheworst. It takes place when Duke and Nathan are approximately 21 years-old, Nathan's been away at college, and a miscommunication has kept them apart for two years.  This story picks up with them having come back together by chance one evening.  "Somebody That I Used to Know" is told from Duke's POV; this story fills in a few blanks from Nathan's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Shudder When I Think I Might Not Be Here Forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wishtheworst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishtheworst/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Somebody That I Used To Know](https://archiveofourown.org/works/198386) by [wishtheworst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishtheworst/pseuds/wishtheworst). 



> Also inspired by "All I Ever Wanted" by The Airborne Toxic Event. The title comes from this song. Pretty much every one of their songs reminds me of NUKE. Also, wishtheworst was kind enough to beta this for me. I miss you, bb!

It’s late. They’re in bed. Duke thinks he doesn’t speak much. Duke isn’t always right. Okay, well he doesn’t speak about everything all the time. When he does want to talk about everything he can’t – unless Duke is asleep next to him – otherwise he talks about some things, and he talks about some things with Duke more than he thinks he’ll ever talk to anyone about anything.

Duke is asleep next to him. Nothing had happened. He’d just come back. He’d come back after two years. It was an accident he was back, really. It was enough for Nathan to have gotten Duke into his bed tonight. To have him next to him again, to feel his heartbeat. And it was also enough to get Nathan’s brain going. He needs Duke to know how he feels.

So Nathan talks to him.

“I know you think you’re the one who’s scared of us coming apart.” He runs his fingers through Duke’s hair, speaks quietly to him, pauses to kiss his forehead.

He likes to think Duke can hear him in these moments. He’s not sure where he’s going with this. It’s been two years. They’re not together.

Well, he can’t help but pretend just for tonight.

“And I know you worry about ending up like your dad. Like you’re going to die alone, and the only thing you’ve contributed to the world are your skills as a slightly-less-than-honest transporter. I know I’m just like the Chief. I can see it and I can’t stop it. I’m a stubborn bastard just like he is. That’s half our problem, isn’t it? I just can’t switch it off, and you can’t keep on the straight and narrow.”

Duke stirs next to Nathan. Nathan stops petting him, waits for Duke to settle back in next to him. He does, he pulls Nathan in closer, wraps his long arm tighter around him. Nathan feels a shiver run through him at the contact. It’s been two years since he’s felt this good. Nathan hears Duke’s breathing even out before he continues.

“Why don’t we tell each other everything we’re supposed to? Were we just pretending to be happy? It didn’t feel like it. This doesn’t feel like pretending. This feels good. You being here, Duke, it feels like I’m a little more together again.”

Nathan runs his fingers up and down Duke’s back. He loves Duke’s back.

“You need reassurance. I can see it in your eyes. You always have. And you’re here again. You’re going to stay this time. You have to. I should just fucking beg you never to leave me again. But I can’t. I can’t because I know you’ll leave anyway. I don’t know when, but I know you will. And that thought kills me. ”

He’s getting frustrated. He wants to keep his voice low. He wants to scream.

“Maybe that’s why this got all fucked up in the first place. The miscommunication. We’re both terrified. We let things get in the way. What can I say to you, Duke?”

He lays his head against the wall and sighs. Duke remains still.

“I know I’m a pain in the ass. I’m demanding and ridiculous. I know that. I also know I don’t tell you what you need to hear. I could tell you all those things you want to hear. I could tell you the truth – that I love you. I’ve never been more afraid of what comes next for us. There’s always a chance that I won’t be here like this, with you, forever. And if I’m right, I won’t be, because there’s always something keeping us from being totally happy.”

All Nathan’s ever wanted is lying with him, warm, safe, gorgeous. His heart is pounding because he’s sure he can see it all laid out ahead of him already. He’ll fuck it up, somehow. He’ll fuck it up because he can’t tell Duke whatever it is he needs to hear. He’ll fuck it up because he can’t, for whatever reason, tell Duke how much he needs him.

Duke stirs again and Nathan settles down lower so they’re lying face-to-face. Duke’s eyes open a little; he’s not really conscious, instead he’s lost in that space between sleep and wakefulness. Nathan’s breath catches; Duke’s hair is sleep-mussed and there’s the ghost of a smile on his face. The only time he’s more beautiful is when he’s laughing.

Duke tips his head forward and kisses Nathan, the warmth of his lips radiating through Nathan’s whole body. “Nathan, stay,” Duke mumbles, nearly unintelligibly.

Nathan draws in a shuddering breath, feels tears sting his eyes. He wants to stay forever.


End file.
